Romantic candle lighting, a bouquet of flowers, and… talking about your 401k? Okay, so maybe talking about money and financial planning with your significant other isn’t part of your ideal date night. As a couple, do you ask each other money questions or discuss your finances?
Even in the best of relationships, discussing money and finances can send two people running in opposite directions. Yet having consistent and open communication about finances with your partner is shown to help your long-term relationship and nurture a stronger future together.
Now, we’re not talking about questions like “how much money would it take you to spend the night in a cemetery”– we mean, “how much money do we make every month, or how much are we saving every paycheck?”. There are certain topics that can amplify our similarities (and differences). Talk of financial planning can bring up larger issues within a family. That’s why it’s important to schedule regular “money dates”, at least annually, to touch base and make sure you are on the same page as your partner. Financial date nights help to maintain a consistent financial plan that works for you as a couple, as a family, and as individuals. Consider your money dates as an important first step in having consistent communication about financial planning to ensure you are both on the right path to achieve your mutual goals and dreams.
Begin at the Beginning
New families may be focused on immediate financial needs like planning for a new home or baby, rather than thinking about retirement. The upside is it can be easier for a new couple to initiate a habit by starting a money date tradition. Here are a few tips:
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When: After the kids are settled, or on a quiet weekend afternoon.
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Where: Choose a location that is comfortable and relaxing like the living room or maybe a quiet corner of a local cafe. If one of you is the bill payer, make sure you do not sit where the bookkeeping happens.
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How: Treat it how you would a real date. Come as equals and be prepared to listen and share.
What Should You Talk About?
What you need to talk about together will change as your overall situation changes. A client contacted me once frantically asking for advice after finding out that their partner had been lying about paying their mortgage bills and using the money for other purposes. They didn’t know until they received a letter about their home being at risk of foreclosure. Big financial secrets hurt both of you. As a couple you cannot successfully deal individually with financial issues that affect you both equally.
It's also important to be aware of the dynamic in your relationship, to have a productive and useful money date. Many relationships have a “saver”, and a “spender”. Try to communicate what your different spending and savings goals are for your household (short/long term, small and large). If you want to buy/build a house, you’ll need to be on the same page to build your savings and spend less until that goal is accomplished. This doesn’t work well if one spouse – usually the spender - (sitting across the room on different couches) periodically sends links for vacations or other expensive items to the other spouse – the saver. Discussing these goals and potential sacrifices of short-term things for the long-term goal is a must. Many people struggle balancing the “live for today” ideas with saving for “future me” – a mix of both is good. Compromise is very important, and there can be multiple savings goals with different timelines. It’s one of the many great reasons to have your financial date nights regularly!
Have you ever inadvertently had a spending competition with your spouse? “Well you spent $___ on this, so I’m okay to go spend the same amount on myself.” This is a competition that yields no rewards for your household – try to build buffers into your budget to allow each of you to have some guilt-free spending (within reason).
If you’re the “bill-payer” you may try to protect your partner from stress, or worry by managing the family finances, but that keeps your partner in the dark about the financial situation. While you may think you’re helping, it prevents your partner from being able to make educated decisions for their career, spending, or planning. While sharing financial issues may be tough, your household will be healthier financially if you both know what you’re working with - and if spending/ savings plans need to change.
No matter what stage of your life you’re in, you’ll want to discuss immediate and long-term goals. Each of our day-to-day lives are unique and what you discuss for short-term goals and long-term planning will likely be specific to you. Checking to make sure you’re not paying for unneeded subscriptions, updates on your short-term goals, or discussing immediate impacts to your finances are common topics that may come up in your discussions.
But there are many long-term topics to discuss that are nearly universal, if only to determine if they will impact you, or not.
Long-term topics:
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Children and their education: If you don’t have kids yet, are you planning on it? If you do, have you discussed saving for higher education or its alternatives?
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Career changes: Has your income increased or decreased significantly? Do you have plans for a side hustle?
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Housing situation: Rent vs mortgage payments; is buying your own home, or a new home, on the horizon? Are you expecting any major renovation projects?
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Retirement: Where do you stand toward reaching your savings goals, individually and as a couple? Has there been any change in your plans for retirement?
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Elder care: Are you responsible for supporting your aging parents? Even if they don’t have needs now, are there needs in the near future that need to be considered?
Timing is Everything
Every family has their own unique yearly ebb and flow, but there are common seasonal pressures. You probably don’t want to schedule your money dates near the end of the school year or next to a major holiday. You’ll want to commit to a semi-annual or yearly date that is low stress, not too busy, and ideally, connected to something else as a reminder cue. Something like “change the clocks, check your smoke alarms, and an annual money date” could become a new family tradition.
Consider carving out time for less intensive, more regular check-ins too, where you can talk about your shorter-term goals, and keep track of progress for longer-term ones. Building the habit will make it seem like a natural part of your schedules over time that will benefit your financial planning and personal finances as a couple and individuals.
Don’t Forget to Discuss Best Practices for Keeping Your Information Safe and Secure
Did you know $12.5 billion in losses were reported due to fraud in 2024? With so much of our banking and bill paying taking place online, it is even more important to think about security. With scams increasing in complexity and become harder to decipher, it’s even more important to make sure you’re taking the proper steps to protect you and your families’ assets.
A friend fell for a complex cryptocurrency scam recently, duped by a very realistic email. The email gave instructions to set up a new “wallet” and provided a key phrase (Similar to a unique passcode, these are issued only at the point of creating a new wallet). What they didn’t realize was that the “new” wallet already belonged to the scammers, and after transferring their assets into it, within three days, the funds were gone. In such cases, authorities are typically unable to recover the stolen assets.
No matter how official something may seem, for sensitive information like banking, investing, or healthcare accounts, it’s a good habit to check a few sources first, before clicking links or taking any actions that potentially cannot be undone.
Here are a few more steps to take to help ensure that your financial information and accounts are safe:
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Use “strong” passwords. A strong password uses a combination of numbers, letters (upper & lower case), and characters. And consider using a password manager, they can add an extra layer of protection to all your accounts.
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Change your passwords at least annually. Consider it like checking your smoke detectors, a yearly habit that keeps you safe.
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If one person is considered the bill payer or the money manager, make sure account information is easy for the other person to locate in case of emergency.
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Setup online alerts for your bank and credit card accounts.
- Request your free credit report annually. As required by federal law, you can get a free copy of it annually at annualcreditreport.com or by calling (877)-322-8228.
Older Couples
As a financial advisor, I speak with women and men about their future plans and financial goals every day. Some couples come into my office and are united in what they want their financial future to be. Others? Well… Suppose one of you wants to retire at 60 and travel around the country in an RV? That’s quite different than working until you are 75 and spending your golden years golfing or tinkering in the garden. Having major differences in philosophy and in retirement vision is a big issue. Sometimes an independent third party can take the emotions out of it and reduce the stress. A professional financial planner can help the two of you look at alternative plans for the future.
For older couples, it may be more difficult to initiate a new financial planning dynamic — especially if one person has handled the day-to-day financials. The secret to incorporating a new habit into your everyday lives is not taking on too much at once. Consciously focus on small steps that can help to make the big changes you want to see together.
How to Have the Best Money Date Ever
Your goals for a financial date night are to remove the pressure and stress from a conversation that can sometimes be uncomfortable, and to develop the practice of tackling larger financial issues that affect you both. It’s important not to feel guilty about past choices, and to create a safe atmosphere to admit each other’s mistakes. Mistakes help us learn.
Schedule a yearly money date on your calendar today to review and assess and plan a happy future together. And as with any new habit, don’t forget to reward yourselves together afterwards!
Resources
FTC Reports $12.5 billion lost to fraud in 2024 –
Use Two-Factor Authentication to Protect Your Accounts
Free Credit Report – Annual Credit Report .com
Adam Robert, CFP® is a co-owner of Clute Wealth Management in South Burlington, VT and Plattsburgh, NY, an independent firm that provides strategic financial and investment planning for individuals and small businesses in the Champlain Valley region of New York and Vermont. For informational purposes only. LPL Financial does not offer legal or tax advice. Securities and advisory services offered through LPL Financial, Member FINRA/SIPC.
Securities and advisory services offered through LPL Financial, a registered investment advisor, member FINRA/SIPC. Clute Wealth Management and LPL Financial are separate entities.