How to Balance Financial Support and Self-Care in the Sandwich Generation

Are you juggling the responsibilities of supporting children and caring for aging parents? At a time when your career is reaching a peak and you are looking ahead to your retirement, you may find yourself having to help your children with college expenses or supporting them during a job search while also looking after the increasing needs of your aging parents. Squeezed in the middle, you've joined the ranks of the "sandwich generation." Evolving beyond its original definition, the sandwich generation is more accurately used to define a specific life situation, rather than a specific age. If you feel trapped in the middle, you're not alone: according to the latest Pew Research data 39% of those aged 30-59 have a parent over the age of 65 and have provided financial support to their children (of any age) in the prior year. And the trend is only growing with extended lifespans and the increased number of young adults who are facing challenges that prevent them from becoming financially independent and reliant on assistance from their families.

The Financial Risks of Being in the Sandwich Generation

It can feel like walking on a tightrope but reducing the risks of overextending and taking time to keep your own personal finances healthy can help to reduce stress and anxiety.

It’s not about being “selfish” or putting yourself first; ultimately it's about the risks to your own personal finances and financial future. It can help everyone involved to get an understanding of how overextending now can lead to more problems in the future that still encompass you and your adult children.

Risks like:

• Carrying a higher level of debt -
  Adding to your debt will lead to higher monthly minimums, inflating your cost-of-living.
• Holding off on or extending your retirement planning -
  It’s a common pitfall for many in the sandwich generation, but it essentially amounts to “kicking the can down the road”. By not saving now, you put yourself in the position to potentially need to ask for help from family later, starting a toxic cycle.
• Reducing your emergency fund -
  Your emergency fund should be just that, yours. Using it to help your family can seem like a no brainer at the time, but will leave you in a lurch if an emergency hits before you have time to rebuild your fund.

The Balancing Act

Understanding the risks helps you get a clearer picture on where boundaries should be drawn, while still being able to provide the right support for adult children or aging parents. Some of the following tips and planning resources can help the Sandwich Generation more confidently cross the tightrope by keeping yourself centered while still being there for those that need your support.

Evaluating Your Own Financial Health Before Assisting Others

Before you can extend a helping hand to family, it helps to know how much help you can offer. Take the time to schedule a “date night” with your personal finances. It might not be the most exciting date you’ve ever been on, but it’s an important one to schedule at least once a year.

It helps to build a good habit of checking in on things like your monthly budgets and expenses, your emergency fund, or to evaluate retirement goals and savings to make sure you’re still on the right path towards retirement, or adjusting them if your goals have changed.

A better understanding of your financial picture will give you a clear idea of where you can afford to help, and where you must draw the line to protect your own future.

Speak with your financial advisor or other trusted professional for any resources they might recommend. Or start with government, or other trusted, tools such as the Savings Goal Calculator from the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission to help guide some of your plans and goals.

Don’t forget to take the time for non-financial self-care too. Being in the Sandwich Generation comes with extra pressures and responsibilities that sometimes cause people to push their own needs to the side. But when mental health suffers, it can directly affect physical health, cause burnout, and negatively impacts our decision making.

Making sure that you’re taken care of, will in turn help you to better care for your loved ones.

Family Meetings on Finances and Setting Boundaries

Set clear boundaries based on what help you can and can’t provide due to your personal financial situation. Communicate boundaries clearly and be firm with them, encourage open dialogues and have compassion in your conversations. The boundaries you set may be different depending on who they’re for. The boundaries for your adult children will differ from those for aging parents, but no matter what you should be clear and firm.

Boundaries don’t have to be black and white – you don’t have to choose between fully supporting them or cutting them off. Finding alternative solutions can be part of the conversation; understanding your own boundaries can help make the process easier.

Here are some examples of how these boundaries could manifest themselves, depending on your own personal situations:

• Instead of providing full-fledged financial support, have the conversation about setting expectations. How long do they need your support? How much are they going to need? Setting these expectations at the start makes sure that everyone is on the same page.
• Set ground rules, or conditions, for your financial support. This helps avoid feelings of being taken advantage of and encourages both sides to stay responsible. 

Have regular family meetings about finances where everyone participates to continually improve everyone’s financial wellness. Have important conversations not only about personal finances, but for bigger topics like your will, advanced care directives, and other important legal documents (for you AND your parents).

Too often important topics such as financial and estate planning are seen as “taboo” to talk about with family; regular discussion and open dialogue on finances within your family also serves to encourage the good habit of discussing money more openly.

When You Have to Say “No” to Family

Saying “no” to family members is hard for many reasons. Whether it’s the desire to help your family, the emotional guilt, or just a fear of saying no, it’s something that many people struggle with, particularly when it comes to money.

When you have people you care about pulling you in multiple different directions, while also juggling the challenges of your own life, enforcing your boundaries is a necessity. Constantly saying yes can lead to underlying resentment, fatigue from constant requests, and amplifies the risks that can harm your own long-term financial planning.

Reframe the act of saying “No”

As mentioned above, taking care of yourself and your own physical and mental health as a parent or caregiver is an important part of being able to help others. By saying “no” to them, you’re saying “yes” to yourself and the care you need to be able to continue being a supportive part of their lives.

Offer Alternatives

The fear of conflict or emotional guilt is a strong one, and often the biggest reason people have trouble saying no to their family. Instead of a pure denial to help, offer alternatives that you can help with. For example - “I’m not able to just pay your rent for you this year, but I’d be happy to sit down with you and have a conversation about other ways I can support you right now.” Or “I won’t buy the ticket for you, but I can help look at your budget and help make a plan that works for you.”

Don’t be Afraid to Ask for Help

Whether it’s help from a financial, mental health, or other professional, don’t let any fears of shame or embarrassment stop you from reaching out for help.

It’s natural to want a professional opinion when it comes to major decisions that can have lasting effects on your life, and family finances and relationships should be no different.

A financial professional, like a CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER™, can be helpful not only in helping to assess your own personal financial situation, but they can also serve as someone who can provide the factual evidence of why you need to set boundaries when it comes to finances, and help explain them to family in certain cases. 

Mental health professionals, like therapists, are a great resource to help with the emotional aspects of being part of the Sandwich Generation. The challenges that face the Sandwich Generation may be unique to the group, but you are far from alone within it. Finding people in similar situations and sharing tips, stories, and connecting with each other can be a source of rejuvenation and solace. 

Boundaries, Balance, and Support

Balancing the needs of adult children with those of aging parents is difficult but not impossible. Navigating the tightrope requires patience, compassion, boundaries, and finding the balance between supporting them and not hurting yourself. But you were never meant to do it alone. When you’re teetering, don’t be afraid to call on the tools and support systems available to help keep you centered so that your adult children, your parents, and yourself can be prepared for a better financial future. 

Resources Linked in the Article:

How to Have the Best Financial Date Night Ever! – Clute Wealth Management

Savings Goal Calculator – U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission

Boundaries with Adult Children – Simple Psychology

Why a Family Meeting on Finances is a Good Idea – Clute Wealth Management

Taking care of YOU: Self-Care for Family Caregivers – Family Caregiver Alliance

Additional Resources:

Navigating the Financial Squeeze Effectively: Tips for the Sandwich Generation

Budgeting Strategies for Sandwich-Generation Parents and Caregivers – CFP Board of Standards, Inc.

How to Stop Footing the Bill for Your Adult Children - AARP

Christina Ubl, CFP® CDFA® of Clute Wealth Management in South Burlington, VT and Plattsburgh, NY, an independent firm that provides strategic financial planning for individuals and small businesses in the Lake Champlain Valley region. Securities and advisory services offered through LPL Financial, a registered investment advisor, Member FINRA SIPC.